1. Speaking the Truth in Love

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You may believe that you usually have to choose between delivering an important message and preserving a critical relationship.

So, depending on who you are, you might tend just to say whatever’s on your mind and then let people deal with it.  Or, you may be more likely to keep quiet and hope somebody else will figure out what’s up for you (and maybe even say it out loud so you won’t have to!).
Interestingly, these are both ways of avoiding conflict, and you already know that each approach comes with a high cost to you and the people around you.   
 
There is another way. Every conversation is an opportunity to move an agenda and build a relationship.  Every. Single. Conversation.

3. Why It’s Smarter to Listen First

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Every communication workshop I lead starts with how to listen and almost every time someone interrupts to ask when we’re going to get to the “speaking” part!

There are a million good reasons to listen first: It builds trust, because it signals that you are genuinely interested in the other person.  (For that reason, in a way listening is ”speaking”.)

Second, you’ll have more information when you do talk, so you can shape what you want to say in a way that it will be easier for the other person to hear.  Then, of course, there’s the possibility that you just might learn something!  

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4. What’s It Like To Be You?

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When I am listening to someone and really trying to tune in with the question What’s it like to be you?, I pay attention to three things:

1.  How is the person FEELING? (The general categories for this one are: happy, sad, angry, anxious or confused.),

2.  What does he or she WANT? (Think important things like clarity, respect, help, appreciation, understanding), and maybe

3.  What does he or or she NOT WANT?  (Often something scary or yucky they associate with an upcoming change.)

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5. What Not To Say

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We’ve already talked about a good question to keep in mind when you’re really trying to listen to someone:

What’s it like to be you?

The best listeners communicate empathy – a respectful appreciation of another person’s experience. The people who talk to them trust them because what they say is being heard and understood without judgment.

So what should YOU actually say – or NOT say – when you respond?

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6. What To Say Instead

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When I am really trying to listen to and respond to another person, I do these three things:

1.  I remind myself of that Big Question: What’s it like to be you? and I let it focus my attention on the other person instead of myself.

2.  I listen for the strongest message the person is giving me – usually either how s/he feels, what s/he wants, or what s/he doesn’t want.

3. I acknowledge what I have heard. Sometime I do this in the form of a guess to make sure I am “getting it”.   

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9. Why do people keep talking after everyone else has stopped listening?

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In my first message I told you that every single conversation is an opportunity both to build a relationship AND move an agenda.  Skillful interrupting is a perfect example, because it enables you to

1.     Reconnect with the person who is still speaking AND

2.    Move the conversation forward.

(You’ll get NEITHER of these benefits if you point out to someone that they’re repeating themselves, start talking over them, or just check out.)

Why do we keep talking even after others have stopped listening?  One good possibility:  We don’t yet believe that what we are saying has truly been heard.

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10. How should you break in when you need to interrupt someone?

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Last time, I told you that an important reason that people keep talking and repeating themselves is that they don’t yet believe that they have been heard. So, Step 1 in effective interrupting is always careful listening:  What is the speaker telling you he or she either WANTS or DOES NOT WANT?

As soon as you think you’ve got a sense of the answer to that question, it’s time for you to interrupt.  This is Step 2.

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12. I wonder if you’ve ever thought of this

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In a few weeks, I’ll be announcing a series of public workshops on the material we’ve been covering, called I’ll Meet You at the Corner of Honesty and Love.   Watch this space for details!

Maybe this is what you’re thinking:  So far, Maria has been mostly talking about LISTENING.  That must be the LOVE part.  When she starts telling us HOW TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE, that part will be about HONESTY.

But my experience tells me it’s actually more complex than that.

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13. What’s the first conversation you need to have?

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Before you initiate any important conversation it’s a good idea to pause first and have a talk with yourself.  Whether you expect to be doing more speaking or listening, and whether it’s with your boss, or someone who reports to you or a partner or friend, before you launch in you should ask yourself these three questions and be confident about the answers:

1.  Am I in the right frame of mind to have this conversation?

2. What is the best likely outcome of talking to this person?  What do I actually want?

3. If it doesn’t go as I hope, what will I do next?

Let’s talk about the first question.

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15. Ready for anything

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You’re preparing for an important conversation and you’ve already asked and answered these two questions:

Am I at the right emotional temperature for the conversation I want to have?

What is the best likely outcome of this conversation?

Now it’s time for your final preparatory question: What will I do if the conversation DOES   NOT go as I hope?

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16. Do you ever get discouraged about trying to change things?

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Do you ever get tired of complaining?  Do you notice that when you do raise an issue — even with the right person — the chances are really good that the person you talk to gets defensive, that you end up arguing about whether your complaint is “valid”, and that  too often not much happens after you do talk?

Is it possible to transform a tired, garden-variety complaint into an effective message that will bring about a real change, improving life for you and probably for others as well?  Continue reading →